This photo, taken just a few months ago while I was on a cruise through the Caribbean, seemed to be a visual example of what I had been living for at least two years.
This incredible scene of the sun rising behind a storm at sea illustrates that as bad as life might have been, as challenging as negotiating the storm might have been, there truly is a brighter life if only the rains could be weathered.
I hated my life. Our small business had been in the final throes of existence. For as much as we tried to “fight the good fight” to bring quality care and compassionate medical care to our patients, we were stymied at every turn. Government, insurance companies, health care systems seemed to conspire against us (and all independent practices) to do not only what was morally and ethically right by our patients….they made it financially impossible.
As sad as it was to separate from the wonderful patients we tried to serve, it was the right thing to do. My spouse now serves military vets who seek medical care from the Veteran’s Administration. In this, he not only is bringing his considerable medical knowledge and skill to an overlooked and and underserved group of patients, he is helping to alleviate some of the stress from other physicians and staff who have shouldered the burden of treating a large group of patients. He has been far happier than I have seen him in five years. He has only been there a little more than a month.
While this has made a positive impact on both our relationship and financial situation, it has not made much impact on me in hating my life. I don’t hate it as much; I have not come fully out of the storm.
The reality is that in closing the practice a huge obstacle had been removed which should allow me to concentrate on doing things I really want to do: health coach, write, continue to learn, teach, serve others, create better health for our disabled daughter. Big list, right?
I no longer have excuses for not doing those things. I now have a pile of books (actually iBooks) I am “reading” to both broaden my knowledge on health-related topics as well as help me create the discipline and habits necessary to make my goals a reality. There it is: discipline and habit. Motion v Action.
I get out of bed each day no longer dreading the stress and madness I lived for the past two years; however, I still do not get out of bed excited and ready to get to the “business at hand” — running toward my goals with wreckless abandon.
Today has been a good day, so far. I have overcome myself to complete this and publish it. Jeannine is on her way to completing her 30 minutes with Wii Fit. I have reached out to those I am coaching. ….and it isn’t quite noon yet.
My life has changed. These changes have been extrinsic. I realize now that it is not enough motivation to move me to loving and embracing it. Oh, it is a good start, I suppose. It is just that without knowing and understanding what the source of the loathing actually is, any changes made (even extrinsic) are just changes. It is far better for me to change what I do, when I do it, and how I do it as long as I know and understand why I am doing it.
Sense of purpose. I think I am closer to that sun on the other side of the storm.